Hidden Femininity
by Galadriel-longleaf
Summary: Hermione's gone off the deep end, Ron'a bit too girly, and Harry has found some juicy secrets.
1. Default Chapter

**disclaimer: We solemly swear that we are up to no good. But, we are not going to you know do that stuff that requires disclaimers. As in, I do not fake credit from J.K. Rowling**

**I wrote this with desert dancer in biology class one day. We will continue according to your reviews. By the way, we find flames hilarious and we will laugh at you.**

"You want us to sell lemonade!" yelped Draco.

"Yes dear. I am currently off to shag the daylights out of Professor Snape and you all need a distraction," calmly answered Professor Dumbledore. "Oh, and try not to bloody yourselves _too_ much," he added as an afterthought.

"I always wondered why old crackpot Albus trusted Snape with the Order's deepest, darkest secrets," Harry muttered. So an unlikely group found themselves setting up a cardboard lemonade stand out in front of the school. _You_ know, the school no one can see because of all the spells and enchantments on it. So Draco Malfoy, the sex god of Slytherin; Harry Potter, the-boy-who-annoyingly-enough-keeps-living; Hermione the pothead, Luna the loony, Ron the Gryffindor fag queen, Neville the bumblebee and Ginny the bisexual all gathered under the bloody stump of the Whomping Willow.

Yes, it bleeds.

Eventually all cups were filled with warm lemon yellowy liquid sitting on a table _Neville_ conjured up.

"So what do we do now?" Neville asked.

"I don't rightly know," Ginny answered.

"Hey everyone, everyone meaning Luna and Ginny, let's go make out!" Hermione squeaked in an oddly hyperactive manner.

"What!" Ron leapt up, lust and anger in his eyes, "I've had my eyes on you for a while now!"

"Oh shut up Ron, everyone knows that you and I were meant to be. I mean like come on, Ginny's bi, Luna's well Luna, and Hermione's a pothead 24/7." Neville butted in seeing how he could channel Ron's passion towards himself. "Let's go make out."

Said people stood up and left for various broom closets. That left our two favorite characters together.

"So… how was you're erm summer vacation?" Harry asked tentatively, biting his fingernails.

"Summer vacation begins next week," drawled Draco, obviously bored.

"Oh, that's right, er, um…" stammered Harry unable to find something intelligible to say.

Suddenly, the tension was too horrible and resulted in Harry's blurting of

"Did you know that monkey's are purple!" as an attempt to break the silence.

"Really now? And I suppose gorillas are pink." The sarcasm practically dripped from Draco's talented tongue. Just thinking about that tongue made Harry blush.

"You know for a boy who's repeatedly defeated the terror of the wizarding world, you're actually quite the idiot. Of course, I always knew that, like the way I know everything, but really you are seriously pathetic." blabbered Draco in a rather sexy manner. An awkward moment of silence engulfed the pair. Once again, Harry felt the overwhelming need to break the silence. Then an odd sensation came over him. He started to feel hot and wanted to reach out and touch Malfoy's shimmering Venus divinely shaved skin. It really was not safe to leave Harry alone with Draco because once more,

"Everyone else is off shagging each other." Harry asked hurriedly. "Wannagofindabroomcloset?"

And pointless words came out of his mouth.

Draco had the utmost disgusted look on his face. "Me. The posh, polished, aristocratic, a fine specimen of the Malfoy family, shag you, the boy-who-just-won't-die? Don't think so."

"Oh," Harry's face fell and rambled. "I mean, I don't care for guys, it's just we don't have anything else to do."

"Oh sure," scoffed Draco.

Just then, soft rain came pitter pattering around them.

"Oh shit! My hair, my hair!" Draco shrieked.

"Just get inside and shut up!" Harry ordered in his hot, sexy voice.

They ran inside and finally took a look at each other. Two soaking, muscle clad boys were staring at each other with stormy eyes.

_Damn, if only he was a girl he'd be so damn sexy! _Harry thought.

_Damn, if only he knew that I'm a girl I'd shag him senseless. _Draco was telling himself.

"What!" Harry yelped, taken aback. "What do you mean you're a girl?"

"What?" Draco countered, panicking not really able to come up with a good response.

"I'm an occlumens," Harry answered, hurriedly in explanation, "What do you mean?"

Then in an incredulous and dramatic voice, "Is Draco Malfoy a girl?"

"No," Draco scoffed.

Realization dawned on Harry. "Whatever you say… Slytherin _Princess_."

Laughing manically, Harry hurried off toward the Gryffindor dormitory.

Fuming, Draco sent a few spiteful curses after Harry and stalked off to the dungeons.

Harry got to the portrait of the Fat Lady and gave her the password. The painting swung forward and Harry stepped in.


	2. Meanwhile

**Well desert dancer and I had great fun writing this. It really did keep us from learning about arthropods and other such nonsense.**

**disclaimer: We solemly swear that we are up to no good. But, we are not going to you know do that stuff that requires disclaimers. As in, I do not fake credit from J.K. Rowling**

**and without further ado...**

"Hey Ron," Harry greeted as the Great Big Fag Himself slid into the seat across from him.

"Huh? Oh, hi Harry," groggily, Ron poured himself some ice cold pumpkin juice. Harry hadn't seen Ron come into the common room last night. When Harry finally fell asleep at 3 in the morning, Ron and Neville's beds were still empty. He assumed they had a nice time in the broom closet.

"Seen Hermione?" asked Harry.

"She's off with Ginny somewhere. Don't know what happened with Luna, the last time I saw her, she was running around screaming "EEEWWWWWWWWWWW!" Ron answered.

* * *

"I cannot believe that that annoying brat is an Occlumens!" fumed Snape. 

"But uncle, weren't you his teacher?" Draco asked quizzedly.

"Oh yes," Snape recalled, "Oh yeah……."

Draco snorted, "Exactly how old are you?"

"Shut up Delilah." Snape snapped.

"Potter isn't smart enough to actually become an Occlumens! He never finished his traini-" Snape stopped midsentence. "Oh! Dumbeldore! That horny bastard! Of course he taught him. Well someone is going to be in trouble tonight!" Snape rubbed his hand in anticipation. As Draco shook his head to try to get the gruesome images out of his mind, he wondered out loud.

"Well actually, Potter can't be that stupid. I mean he has defeated my father's idol repeatedly time after time after ti-"

"Do shut up Malfoy, you sound just like a girl," Snape complained, quite obviously irritated.

"But uncle, I am a girl," he replied.

"Oh screw this, Dumbledore, oh Dumbledore," Snape called out. Snape walked out looking for his dear 'mentor'. Draco screwed up his face at the thought of what Snape wanted Dumbledore for and soon followed him out. A chuckle came from under the table, as the light revealed Harry's face. He started laughing louder and maniacally.

"Muah ha ha ha ha! Muah ha ha ha ha! Muah ha ha-**OWW**!" he yelped as his head banged the table in overeager laughter. Harry grasped his aching head and wobbled out.

* * *

Meanwhile……. 

"Hermione, I can't work in this environment. First of all, I like a clean workplace, and you clearly have not been taking care of yourself. Second of all, it's just not fun with out Luna." Ginny complained.

"Then go get her," Hermione started singing off key. "I don't know! I don't care! I'm not wearing underwear!"

"Ugh….. all the way next door….." Ginny pondered. "Eh, what the hell."

* * *

Meanwhile (in a different time and in a different place) 

Dean looked over at the striking Slytherin with straight, shiny dark brown hair up in an eloquent knot. He surveyed her natural curves and elegant poise. He sauntered over to her and plopped down next to her.

"Hey sugar, didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?" he asked cockily.

"Must have been once," she answered, not looking up from her book, "I never make the same mistake twice."

Taken aback, Dean collected himself and tried again.

"So how did you get to be so beautiful?" the foolish boy venture again.

"I must've been given your share," the girl coolly answered back, "I must be going now, so good day."

Shell-shocked, Dean just sat there stunned. Exactly three minutes later, a treacle tart came flying out of nowhere and decked him on the head.

* * *

Meanwhile (still at the same time but in a different side of school) 

Neville was cradling Ron in his arms watching the sun attempt to dance across the thick, murky, soupy, clogged lake.

"Oh Neville, the picnic's been terrific, but I really have to go get my hair done now." Ron said reluctantly.

"Oh can't you stay just a little longer?" Neville begged.

"Nope. I have to get a pedicure right after," Ron explained. A devious grin came over his face.

* * *

_Muggle magician- It wasn't supposed to be a great masterpiece. the point was to make you laugh, and hopefully it did. anyways thanks for the review! luv ya_

_F'Lessan- Thank you sooo much! I'm kinda picky too and thanks for finding that. Thanks for the review. _

_PJ- thanx! It took us a while because I am really lazy._

_Lins! my hunny baby!- I'm going to Florida! lol thanx i like ur reviews._


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